you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I FOUND THE LEGS
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
