first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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