We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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