I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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