I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
even my farts smell like vagina
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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