You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
