she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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