The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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