whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
