In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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