Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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