Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
My liver just had a heart attack.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
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