you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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