capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
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