Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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