Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
It's official drugs can't kill me
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
