Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
