Where did you get a picture of my penis
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
