I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
