Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
