She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
