I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
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