your parents love me but you hate me
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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