Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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