My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
