Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
