You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
