You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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