The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
