I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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