he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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