You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
