i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
