She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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