The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I don't think brook has ever known best
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
