Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
