who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
