I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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