sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
