FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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