I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
