According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
