saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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