I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
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