my phone needs a breathalizer
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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