I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
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The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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