I met the friendliest cop last night
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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