It's like God shit irony all over that family
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
