when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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