i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
