Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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