Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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