i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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