I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
