seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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