the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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