So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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