Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Couch. On fire.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
