trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
